Yeah let’s talk about goals…
oh shoot me in the face
Lets see how can I write this so all the dots connect in the end. Bear with me.
Over a month ago I made a bet with my dad that we both had to go 21days no drinking. He was complain of having gained too much weight in his old age and I said, “Dad. Here’s the deal. You want to loose weight? Quit drinking.”
No he doesn’t drink enough that there needs to be an intervention but like me, his precious daughter, we have a tendency to maybe just have one too many sometimes. In January I went 2 weeks an lost 3 lbs like just melted off. Had a little here or there. Went another 2 weeks in March and just generally cut back. Then we did the 21 day thing in August. It was fine really but what I keep discovering is that maybe I’m not a social as I thought. I like to be by myself. Now maybe that’s because I have a big freaking mouth and have trouble keeping my opinions to myself, like who died and put me in chargeMaybe I inadvertently judge people and that makes me cringe. When there is alcohol in the mix it removes my filter. Basically it really holds no value. It’s not helpful. Perhaps even destructive. So where is all this going? A few people asked me if I felt better not drinking. And the answer is no. I just don’t feel bad. Another friend asked me about goals. Had I achieved the goals I set out for myself. And the answer is a loud yes. I put myself through college. We moved to the Pacific Northwest (albeit not the exact place I had in mind but getting closer). We sold our house and lived in our Volkswagen van and tent trailer with a 17 month old in search of a “better lifestyle”. We opened a catering business that was struggling to survive and now is a very successful business and we have a sandwich shop and a separate drive through location. My kids are healthy and I really do think my husband and I like each other. But why sometimes am I still…unhappy for lack of a better word. So you reach all these goals right? Then what? More more more. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE more but are we trying to be so occupied we are not paying attention to what’s really important or not taking responsiblity for our actions and our happiness. Not drinking made me realized that its not the wine that can sometimes set me up for failure. Its ME. I a weird way it’s scary accomplishing your goals because its like the day after Christmas, your wedding or college graduation. Perhaps it’s like the elation of finishing your first race whether it be a marathon or a 5k. There is a slight depression at least for me after achieving what I’ve set out to do. I still can’t pinpoint whyexactly but its there. Will that feeling stop me from trying to go after my goals? No! But the self sabotaging has got to stop. I know Boston will happen. I know it will. But now that I’m getting so close I’m almost sad that the excitement of pursuing this goal will be ending. It’s part of my identity. And as all you moms out there know retaining our identity is kinda tough. Sad but true.
What is your identity? Is there a goal your still trying to achieve?