I’m happy I finished and finished strong but I’m not super pleased with my time. I went into this marathon thinking sub 4 was in the bag and when I got there I just didn’t have it in me. I knew I wanted to start slow for fear of “bonking” but by mile 3 I was tired. It was a long week.
I read some blog or god knows where, this first time Marathoner decided to dedicate a mile starting at mile 20 for a friend(s) who are going through hard times and to push through. It was fairly emotional. What sent me over the edge was seeing this young gal plugging along and on the back of her shirt it read, “in memory of my awesome dad.” I fell apart. Completely crumbled. Defeated. All I could think about was how lucky I am to be healthy and running and with a healthy family. How sometimes life is just hard and sucks but other times you feel on top of the world. There is no formula; that sucks! It seems to really boil down to the reality that we have little or no control of what cards we are handed or when or how. I hate that fact. Who doesn’t? We only have control of our attitude and sometimes that stings looking in the mirror.
Remembering what got me running in the first place was a desire not to get rid of the baby weight but a need to clear my head. If I could just keep running I could erase the past. Make it poof-disappear. If i could just keep running I could out race all those bullets life shoots. Marathon day came and I realized no matter how far I run or how much bourbon I drink my thoughts stay with me and life’s race is unpredictable.
Everyone has their story. That was overwhelmingly evident on Sunday. Sometimes, no matter how much one wants to explain their story it is just to painful to open up despite the desire. Running on Sunday I was able to open up without talking, with other people in the same mindset. Perfect.
There was so much support for this marathon “thing” from friends and family. I’m bummed I didn’t go sub 4. Super bummed. But I’m changing my attitude so it doesn’t sting. I’m thankful i didn’t get injured (that was my number one goal) and didn’t bonk (that was number two goal). I just didn’t have in me that day. I was just to tired to fight. There is something peaceful in surrendering.
There is still lots of piss and vinegar in me for the next one!